It's been a while

4:30 am.

My heart pounds as I lay in bed. I toss and turn knowing I need to be sleeping. Fear and panic try to grip me. I am wrestling with inadequacy. I think I should be who I perceive others think I should be. Confusing, yes. The question thunders in my head: "What has God been showing you lately?" Guilt and condemnation come for my time with the Lord recently has not been consistent. What has been consistent is me seeing my sin. My filthy sin nature seems to be what is growing. I yield to the temptation to waste time on mindless TV. After long days of caring for my family, I am deceived to think TV is a way to unwind. What filth comes through that 'idol box'. Oh how it steals my precious time before bed and promotes that which is contrary to my Lord. I don't want to loose this season of my life wishing I had lived it differently. I don't want to be left out or left behind on hearing from my Lord. Lord, will you still reveal yourself to me? My desire is to be a woman of consistency. But somehow that escapes me. To rise early and meet with you Lord God. To daily receive your impartation. And then I fail and sleep late. Yes I can give many excuses like getting up with young toddlers, but an excuse is an excuse even if it is valid. And then I find myself grasping to not let my day get away from me. Hoping to sneak in some quiet time with the Lord. But my day unravels for I haven't planned well.

So I find my self wondering do I continue to whine or move on? There is so much I want to be able to do. Consistency in godly teaching of my children, keeping caught up with housework, and will I ever get the basement cleaned out??? Surely it is possible to do it all. Be a good mommy, wife, friend, daughter, sister, teacher. Lord grant me wisdom. I don't want to give in to fear or live trying to be someone else. I don't want to feel like I keep failing is so many things. I desire to excel in the most important position I have: being a child of God. Lord as I pursue you help me to let go that which is not as important and be consistent in who you have called me to be. I suppose wrestling is a part of life. I hope I will persevere in being a victorious fighter.

"Do not become weary in doing good for at the proper time you will reap a harvest if you do not give up." Galatians 6:9

Funny as I just performed spell check, I consistently misspelled consistent. Maybe I'm not as inconsistent as I thought. Or is it possible to be consistently inconsistent? ;)

-Janet